Hell In A Cell 2019 Review

 WWE Hell In A Cell 2019

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Half These Matches Didn't Get Announced Until Today!

Natalya vs Lacey Evans

    

      After at least three previous encounters on RAW, once again we have a match between Lacey Evans and Natalya basically inflicted upon us. This slow, plodding, bore of a contest dragged on and on until we get Natalya mercifully making Lacey tap, making the score (for the two of you counting) at two a piece.

Rating: One Black and Yellow polka dotted outfit out of Five.


Sasha Banks vs Becky Lynch (C)- Hell In A Cell Match For The RAW Women's Championship

     In a stark contrast to the previous women's bout, this match started off fast and furious with a brawl outside of the Cell as the structure was lowering. Once the two warrior women got back inside the Cell it was a brutal affair; chairshots to the back, ladders to the face, meteora kneedrops to the ladder, slamming repeatedly into the crimson-colored chain-link cage walls. One particularly gnarly spot involved Sasha being propped up on a chair propped on kendo sticks in the corner of the cell, only to be dropkicked by Becky into the corner wall. After a devastating Bexploder suplex off the top rope onto a pile of chairs and a Dis-ArmHer, Becky retains once more. I think this should probably seal the deal for this feud, and Sasha's heel turn has not exactly been paying off in dividends for her. While I'm not wild about the finish, this was a great opening match and a brutal women's match.

Rating: Four Chairs set up by Kendo Sticks In The Corner out of Five


Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns vs Luke Harper and Erick Rowan- Tag Team Tornado Match

     After a messy melee at the beginning of the match, it ended up turning into a bit of a slow, but well structured match as the veteran tag team Harper and Rowan would bludgeon Roman to then beat-down Bryan when they were finished.It does take a bit to get going, with some really long pauses while Rowan and Harper have control of the match. But once it gets going, it becomes a big more interesting. Especially when Bryan counters a powerbomb by flipping Harper off of the announce table while Roman runs across the other announce tables to spear Erick Rowan through the third and final table. After a Superman Punch/Running Knee/Spear combo, Reigns and Bryan prevail in a hard-hitting bout. Post-Match, Bryan and Roman hug it out and stumble their way back up the ramp.

Rating: Three Long Bushy Beards Out Of Five



Randy Orton vs Ali

     In one of four matches announced the day of Hell In A Cell, Randy Orton and Ali's match's build up was...a backstage segment earlier tonight where Randy Orton talked trash during Ali's interview. Such is the story with a good many matches tonight. It's a clash of styles as the slower, methodical malice of Orton faces off with the high-flying acrobatics of Ali. The story of this was Orton working the midsection of his smaller, faster opponent. Despite a few hope spots (including handstanding out of an RKO attempt) Ali eats an RKO and thanks for comin'. 

Rating: Two Gnarly Welts Across The Stomach Out Of Five. 



Asuka and Kairi Sane aka The Kabuki Warriors vs Alexa Bliss and Nikki Cross (C)- Women's Tag Title Match

     This match was a real mess. Another match that was put together an announced last minute, these four women have a bit of a clusterfuck of a match. The only interesting part came at the end where Asuka, harkening back to Tajiri and The Great Muta, sprays Nikki Cross with green mist. One spinning kick to the face later, it's all she wrote and we have new Women's Tag Champions. 

Rating: Muta 2.0 out of Five  



The OC (AJ Styles, Karl Anderson, Luke Gallows) vs The Viking Raiders and Braun Strowman

      Another match with very little build-up (aside from two matches between Anderson, Gallows and the Raiders on RAW) announced only hours before showtime, there isn't too much of a story aside from The OC's inability to solve The Viking Raiders. The match ends as abruptly as it was announced as the referee throws out the match when Gallows and Anderson, not legally tagged in, kicked Braun while he was down and ignored the official's orders. And then Braun lays out AJ Styles to set up his confrontation with boxer Tyson Fury. And we get a post-match of AJ Styles pretending to be concussed. Blegh. 

Rating: One Getting Of These Hands Out Of Five.  


King Baron Corbin vs Chad Gable

     Announced today but has had minor build up due to Gable losing to Corbin in the King Of The Ring tournament. After at least two cringe-worthy moments of short jokes, Corbin endures a withering opening volley from Gable before taking control. Say what you will about his wrestling ability, Corbin has a talent for making the fans hate his guts and wish he'd get hit by a barbed wire truck and land in a salt patch. Corey Graves doing the continuous short jokes and Greg Hamilton announcing Chad as "Shorty Gable" were definite points against this match, but Gable, as he tends to, puts on a stellar performance in a winning effort against his larger opponent.

Rating: Three Short Jokes That Were Never Funny Out Of Five



Charlotte Flair vs Bayley (C)- Smackdown Women's Title Match

     After R-Truth wins back the 24/7 Title from Tamina (Who won it from Carmella backstage earlier in the night), Bayley and Charlotte begin their match in earnest with Bayley showing her own dirty tricks. After trading shots working on each other's legs, Bayley ends up tapping out to Charlotte's Figure Eight leglock and left in a heap, screaming her frustrations and taking her anger out on the steel stairs and crying. Bayley's heel run has, so far, been pretty lackluster. I'm hoping her character gets something of an overhaul soon.

Rating: Two Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Temper Tantrums Out Of Five


"The Fiend" Bray Wyatt vs Seth Rollins (C)- Hell In A Cell Match For The WWE Universal Championship 

     Give Bray Watt credit, he knows how to make a character that's disturbing and nigh invincible. Taking hits with a kendo sticks like being hit with a wiffle bat, The Fiend looks like a beast as he throws Seth into the cage walls under the blood red lighting. Even when Seth puts him through a table and hitting him with his Stomp finisher, The Fiend gets right back up, almost immediately. The crowd turns HARD on Seth as he keeps hitting at least ten or more Stomps on The Fiend, who keeps getting back up and kicking out at a count of one. The Fiend's toughness seems to win the crowd over. Or it's just being hit with everything but the kitchen sink makes things a bit repetitive. And we have Seth laying a chair, a ladder, a toolbox piled on Bray's face, Seth slamming a sledgehammer ontop of the metallic pile was enough for the ref to call a disqualification. In a match that is typically no-disqualification.

     I get the story they want to tell here, Seth going to a dark place to try and put down The Fiend only for said Fiend to rise up (particularly after the match is thrown out and the medics come to put Bray on the stretcher. AEW chants rain down upon the proceedings like an angry storm from a justifiably pissed off crowd and I don't blame them one bit. A Mandible Claw, two Sister Abigail finishers and one more Mandible Claw post-match and we get strobe lights and woozy camera movements to make things all spoopy.

Rating:





Overall Grade:

Two Mountains Of Shit Out Of Five

     The beginning of the Pay-Per-View was hot as Hell, with a great opener and a really good follow up. But as soon as the matches with little to no build up started, the quality of the show went down drastically. The matches weren't technically bad or anything, there just was little to care about or get invested in, even for me, who watches RAW and Smackdown regularly. But the ending to that last Hell In A Cell Match is infuriating, I don't even care what the intent was. Instead of calling for a disqualification, call it a ref stoppage, or have The Fiend win. Clearly it was what the fans wanted, especially when Seth kept spamming his finisher and piling up tools and furniture on Bray's face. 

      Again, I get it, make The Fiend look unstoppable, make Seth look desperate, but you seriously couldn't just have the ref stop the damn match and have a post-match thing where The Fiend makes the lights go out and vanishes from the stretcher? You couldn't have done ANYTHING other than this utter incompetence? Why even have this match in Hell In A Cell (a match usually used to END feuds) as the first match of this story?

Match Of The Night

    

     By a wide margin, this match easily was the best of the night. Inventive in its brutality, hard-hitting, damn good all around from beginning to end, Becky and Sasha both gave stellar performances, beating the absolute hell out of each other in this war of attrition.